30 July 2005

jupiter, deers, bonfires, and my Friend Jody.

you know, i don't see my friend Jody very often. we both veer onwards in our crazy lives, and see each other, i don't know, once every six months or so. but she So Very Frequently seems to appear when i'm on the cusp of power surging insanity, and resets everything with her perspective and just plain excellence of being.
this time, she invited me camping, out of the blue. and off we went, for two days, to Presquile, somewhere east of here and on the lake.
and we got to make bonfires, and breathe real air, and see a Real Deer (!) and she sat on the beach and looked at her astronomy magazine centrefolds (of galaxies, dear reader(s), of galaxies) and i my Colette novel of Parisian and solitary extravagance, and it was TEN THOUSAND SHADES OF BLISS.
AND we got to see Jupiter! with Four of its Moons! you see, Miss Jody has a fondness for astronomy, and has a telescope, and finally we got to see a Real night sky. and, i KID YOU NOT, the planet itself with four of its accompanying moons, and i Watched as it MOVED ACROSS THE VIEWFINDER and OUT OF VIEW 'coz the earth is rotating So fast.
it was Truly astonishing.

Lakes and Oceans. they remind you to be humble.
fire does too.
how can i be unthankful or whingey in the face of these things?
or upset with anything at All, for that matter?
in short, i Can't.
Not At All.

came back tonight and went to the fire parade on the island. more bonfire. the Very Best Best BEST things in the world Ever. and somehow it seems like strange epiphanies of something or another are going on, i ran into a friend from a previous lifetime, and that was rather remarkable...
...and then some strange math student came up to me and this other guy and told us about how he got rid of his apartment so he could buy a boat and now he lives on it, and every two weeks someone comes around and sucks out his holding tank (?!!?) and then he's really happy 'coz he can use his bathroom without worrying any more, and somehow, somehow dear reader(s), it turned from a rather novel account into a Highly Unfortunate incident of Too Much Information.

26 July 2005

disembodied hand.

my friend Monsieur le JP was over for a short time last night, and said that if he saw my hand drawing without the rest of me attached to it, he would be quite convinced that it was a different person.
i like that.
partially 'coz, at Last, i've been able to take a few hours to draw.
and since it is my hand, hopefully the peace will move upwards.
the "moving in" errands are FINALLY dwindling, bit by bit, and after the first two weeks of Hell, (i mean August) i might actually recover a few hours a day to myself again. or to Anything that involves me Not thinking or worrying about Everything except for myself.


i've decided today that being a tourist in one's own life and one's own head makes for a Grand change of perspective.
though i imagine, looking out the window, that i will need an umbrella for this time around.

20 July 2005

new home. ( a senseless rant of exhaustion.)

well, it's been something. the 8 hours of phone calls, phone cut-offs, billing misunderstandings, the 40 minutes on hold at a pay phone for technicians who didn't show up, the cancelled phone line 3 times over, followed by a repairman coming to install the Same phone line, the boxes, the stubbed toes, the complete lack of time to accomodate any of this, and then, last night, returning happily from dutch dreams and a Lovely evening of biking and swimming and frivolous relaxation (one of the first nights in Ages), i found a ceiling tile in my bathroom caved in, the floor flooded, and the pipes doing something in between dripping and Spewing water into my cozy abode.
but i got to meet the neighbours above me at least. poor dears. at the ungodly hour of 12.30am.

17 July 2005


it's funny, as much as i hate potheads, the one thing i have always admired quite infinitely about their personalities is their constant inate ability to share. it's not ever even a question, that's just the deal.
i have found a similiar thing with hitchhikers (or those who pick them up).
And also with Geeks. people who Know about their computers are Immensely compassionate, and I have had no end of invaluable support and help and imparting of wisdom from Geeks in my own era of computerliness, more support and patience than I can even claim to have received from both parents.
This is a Huge thing for me, and probably part of my love of all things computer.
so today I got to give a little back, as my friend Rebecca has now entered the uber-modern age, finally replacing her 7 (?) year old laptop with a new one.
just before I went over to help her partition the drive, i had a moment of self-doubt, and called JP to make sure that his laptop (same as Rebecca's) was functioning fine on partitioning, is there anything i should know about powerbooks, etc.
he reminded me that i was the one who showed him how to partition things.
i said oh that's True, isn't it, and felt Really Very Proud of myself.
and then off i went and partitioned R's laptop and it's just such a useful thing to have done to one's computer (and to those of you who don't know what this means, it's Not hard At All, it's Very Simple) but still it makes me Immensely happy (yes I'm serious, Miz Rebecca, if you are reading this!) to have done so.
i may never pick up hitchhikers (I still don't have my drivers' license) but i can safely help people with Geeky things. It's one thing I am good at in a very quantifiable way. Rational, measureable, and therefore (to me, anyway) comforting.


good for her.

so i found a lost wallet today;opened it to find a contact number to return it; owner is one 79 year old woman, very pleasant looking, placid, motherly even. rifling through cards, feeling self-conscious and invasive, but also thankful in this moment where i imagined being her being Freaked Right Out that her wallet was missing then coming home to a message that someone had found it and was guarding it (how wonderful would that be)...and then, amongst health card and two different hospital id cards, i came upon a business card for good for her.
that SO made my day.

16 July 2005

the issue of anonymity.

Barker mentioned to me over brekkie that he knew a way to prohibit anonymous commenters on this blog, but alas, i can't find it. this is an entreaty...Barker or any other Geeks out there, can you impart me this wisdom?

stop thinking stop thinking stop thinking.

i'm addressing this mantra to the end of every sentence inside my mind, for the next couple of weeks, to see if i can ease the strain of overheating and general inability to just enjoy.
perhaps inhaling paint fumes from my new little home will help.

14 July 2005

and once again, the Decision...

is to do all the things in my life right now, which are pretty Great, without THINKING so MUCH about them. GAH.

it's odd. i believe truly and strongly that the one thing that separates us from animals is our ability to consider our actions (and their effects on other people), but i think my brain not only has gone Completely Haywire in that department, but is shooting itself in the proverbial foot, 'coz the other people in question just have to listen to this play-by-play of my selfish/selfless conflicting attempts at clarity.

even that sentence was Completely Unfathomable! I'm a NUTTER!

12 July 2005


it is of course true that the greatest thing about this blog is its interactive nature. i spent years scribbling furiously in books, in the hopes that someday someone might read my great and fascinating (har har) memoirs and have something (anything) to say about them. be affected in some way.
but i cannot fathom peoples' anonymous comments that have nothing to do with the postings at hand. i do appreciate the comment, inasmuch as it's an attempt to share something with me, but the complete irrelevance drives me batty. i must confess, blogging is the one pseudo-sequential thing i have in my life, if only via chronology and subject matter. gods know my conversational skills cannot boast the same talent. please respect this.
there are moments, of course, like the last 10 days, stuck inside my computer with no home phone, that i Truly appreciate my fellow addicts and this viable platform for expedient communication. but to those of you anonymous commenters out there who add vague comments about baked goods and good bands and such, please, i DO appreciate them, but there must be a more apt venue. like direct email. or (Gods forbid) in PERSON!?!?!
perhaps i'm being mean.
how 'bout we leave this particular posting as the SUNDRY COMMENTS post. i'll add a link at the side of my page later on, and all sundry comments can go here, for those of you for whom email is not (??) an option. if you are just looking for some sort of communicative attention, this is your ticket as well (although I must remind you this is Not human communication. all i am in these words is pixels on a screen.)
for those of you doing your own navel-gazing and might be misled into thinking that anonymous comments are the same as comunicating with me, my suggestion is starting your own blog by clicking expediently in the top left corner of this page. then email me the link.

08 July 2005

the soccer mom beneath my pillow.

Rebecca brought up this fascinating notion that 'til you're actually settled in a new home, it is quite possible that you could be having the previous tenant's dreams.
this must be the case, because, sweet balls of jesus, last night i dreamt i was a soccer mom.
but it wasn't as simple as that, dear reader(s). in my dream, i was taking care of someone else's baby (as soccer moms do) and suddenly it was time to pick junior up from school, when i realized i didn't know whose baby i was taking care of. they definitely weren't back to pick him up, though, and nary a phone call either. every time i opened the front door he started a fresh volley of terrified screaming, which left me no recourse but to sit inside the house and wait.
so here i am with this screaming infant and my beloved (ha!) junior waiting at pre-school, and then i started having this split-screen dream where junior decided to walk home and i saw him dodging cars in my brain while i stood at the window holding this tot and feeling helpless and irresponsible, not having a clue who he belonged to, only that he had peed on my arm and my patience was waning.

well, a small solace: any junior of mine would be well versed in traffic dodging...

07 July 2005

was it tron?

where the guy somehow finds himself trapped inside his computer?
is this my retribution for being so bloggey?
4.5 hours late and a 40 minute wait on a pay phone before i get a human being in internet hookup-ville.
who thanked me for not yelling at him after i told him the situation...which i admired myself for as well, 'til i realized i've been Broken.
i've been Broken by corporate communications, i am now UTTERLY apathetic to whatever may happen in my world of communication technology.
i'm going to the goodwill to find myself a bullhorn. (but with my lungs, perhaps i don't even need one?)

so finally this bumbling mofo shows up and the internet is working...one would thinnkk....'xcept i can't send out email.
via mail program OR server.
all my responses to eager addicts and work people alike are trapped inside this computer.
i can practically see myself smushed against the screen (from the inside) trying to be heard.
how very very tragic.
who knows if this posting will even work?

if it does, thank you most kindly and gratefully, Miss Rebecca, and how 'bout brunch on the weekend, Barker? you should be able to shoot a paper airplane message through my window...

perhaps one day i will be able to send out personal messages of care and concern to both of you and everyone one day...onnnneee ddayyyy....

06 July 2005

now you may be wondering, dear reader(s)...

where have i been for the last couple of days? perhaps enjoying life in the west end in my glorious new apartment, amidst the rubble and the boxes and the expired anxiety?
well, kind of.
alas, the fascists at Bell had Rebecca and I plotting revolution from our office chairs the other day, trying to sort out our respective apartment phone line situations whilst maintaining our Brickly duties.
By the end of the day she proposed taking to the streets with twine and paper cups as a more viable option to the corporate communication iniquities; it seems that i will be without phone 'til July 13, and without internet 'til (fingers crossed) tomorrow.
as for now, i'm sneaking these pithy remarks into the end of my working day, and wondering what my biographer will think of these sundries years from now. it will indeed be a fascinating sociological experiment on my tiny brain, to be sure, but this is why i have been blogless as well.
just you wait tho'...i'll be back with a vengeance.
tomorrow? the day after? i'll leave you waiting with bated breath. (or bad breath, as the case may be...)